love is
by indelible
Summary: Hikaru does not get married to his first love. KaoruHaruhi, one-sided HikaruHaruhi


**love is**

_written for the ourancontest, with the prompt: after the anime_

* * *

**a marriage of convenience, or necessity**

* * *

On his twenty-fourth birthday, his brother decides to get married.

The invitation is on his dresser, unopened, untouched. Kaoru finds no need for it, as he himself has participated in the preparations; as the groom's brother, he knows more than, perhaps, his mother, whose main concern is making idle conversation with her soon-to-be in-laws. Meanwhile, Kaoru watches the couple go about their dance of courtship (or something close to it as arranged marriages could get). Hikaru, he thinks, has maintained his devilish charm, but (and this is the thought that makes Kaoru's blood turn cold) he cannot be reduced to a stuttering, blushing boy.

If Kaoru's heart could break for him, it would have already.

But the bride is charming in her own way, and modest and respectable. She has her moments of aloofness and superiority that their class is prone to, but that is inconsequential. If she did not truly love HIkaru, then, at least, she understands, and does her best to grow closer to him each day.

Kaoru wonders if Hikaru's heart has any space left for her.

He hopes it does.

* * *

**two a.m.**

* * *

He shuts the door and locks it when he enters Hikaru's room the night before the wedding, then creeps over to his brother's bed to watch him for hours on end.

They are both bound by blood and tied together by love, but now he feels it more strongly than before. He remembers thinking love may not be enough, and even now he feels that maybe even blood can encompass nothing, not like this.

He blames himself for his selfishness, for his indecision, for everything he is and isn't, in the way that foolish men with foolish regrets do, Hikaru deserves unconditional (true) love, and Kaoru has once wished for it, but he has brought this evil to his own kin by being the second born son. It is Hikaru's duty to produce an heir.

And thus, Kaoru passes judgment on himself.

Kaoru traces the line of Hikaru's back, as if to memorize every inch lest he forgets or cannot be this way with him anymore, touches the slight curve of his waist with the gentleness of the possessed, presses his fingers on the crook of his neck where he imagines he can feel the same veins that he has.

He begins to realize, finally, and, with this, he makes a promise.

_I will love her all the more for you._

* * *

**i am still and afraid of the silence**

* * *

He wakes up to the warm light of the summer morning; when Hikaru steps outside the doorway, he will and will no longer be Hikaru. Even now, Kaoru is losing him, bit by bit.

Kaoru cannot help it if he begins to cry and pour out years of condensed memories and conflicting emotions. He understands that it is time to let go.

It does not – and will not – make it easier.

* * *

**I loved you, once**

* * *

He catches sight of Haruhi when he steps into the Western church. She smiles at him, and says her congratulations to both of them. Kaoru, in a rare fit of meanness, looks at his brother in the corner of his eye.

Ah, there is the twinkle of his eye, and the deeper, darker after tones of regret. And for what use are weddings after all, other than to nurture lost loves and remember where loyalties truly lay?

Something inside him crumples and quakes, and, after that, it is harder to look at them.

* * *

**even now I do**

* * *

It takes a while for them to part. Ten minutes, actually, but it is long enough.

Kaoru checks his watch and adjusts his collar. He throws the remains of his cigarette on the ground and crushes it under his foot, a habit he has picked up in college, when he could not see her and his hand would not stop trembling at the sight of her in his dreams.

It begins and ends with her, as always. He knows this as well as he knows his frail heart, and how her tenderness undoes him every time.

She touches his arm, lightly; even underneath the layers of his suit, he feels her warmth and his heart shudders in response.

"Kaoru," she says, and it takes a while before Kaoru remembers to breathe.

* * *

**and in the end**

* * *

"Hey," he replies, and meets her eyes, finally, "I love you."

She looks so surprised and so calm. She touches the place where her heart is supposed to be, and, because she cannot help it, she smiles again.

"I suppose, if it's you, I don't mind."

It sounds like a promise, or a confession.

Somehow, it gets easier to bear the guilt after that.

* * *

END


End file.
